Ughhh...

Last night Jess and I went on a date. We took the motorcycle to a Persian restaurant in Old City, Philadelphia. We had a very nice meal, and in an effort to pretend I was a cultured world traveler I chose an authentic Middle Eastern drink: Arvand Sparkling Yogurt Beverage...or Dou-gh.

I'm not sure I know what I was expecting, but I did not expect what I got.

Its ingredients were translated as: carbonated Canadian spring water, milk, live bacterial cultures, sea salt, and natural flavours - oh, and I got the "mint" flavored one.

I wish I could let all of you try a sip because I'll never be able to fully describe the flavor. It was like an unsweetened menthol milky baby formula spit-up mixed with unflavored seltzer water. I forced myself to chug down at least half of the bottle, hoping I would, in time, get used to the flavor, which never happened.

My question is: What are people thinking when they buy this stuff? The entire company can't possibly survive on accidental sales to hapless customers like myself. They obviously have a client base. Can you picture the commercial? A bunch of guys playing ball in the hot desert sun. They work up a serious Persian thirst so they crack open the cooler and grab a couple bottles of thick and creamy bubbling yogurt Arvand, available in Plain, Mint, and Tart flavor. Then - Persian thirsts quenched and stomachs filled with milk, sea-salt and live bacterial cultures - they get back out there in the heat and win the pennant! And then throw up.

I guess America has its own questionable beverages too. When we were growing up my friend Jack used to drink Celery Soda and I've seen cans on Clamato Juice in the super market. There was a science teacher in high school who used to make tea from aloe leaves for her sore throat that smelt exactly like fat-guy BO. When I was in college there used to be a juice in stores called "Orbit" that had little pieces of wax floating in it, apparently meant to look like planets or stars. It was like having a friend drink from your glass and leave floaters in it. Then of course there's Mountain Dew.

But I still think the Arvand I had last night takes the cake. I don't think I'm going to buy another bottle of that any time soon. I'll just stick to my sauerkraut juice, thank you.